metrics

i saw myself in the mirror of the laundromat washing machine and i didn't know what i was supposed to think. for a second the world paused as i tried to process this moment. or really the moments of the past year. it's been almost 7 months of constant changes and i don't know how to process any of it.

on paper everything sounds perfect, it's what little me always wanted. i finally make six figures. i live in NYC. i go to concerts practically every week. i've got a tiny apartment but with great roommates. i'm at the top of my career and everything is supposed to be amazing.

yet it feels so empty. i keep going out thinking that this will be the one thing that'll click on in my head to finally feel like what i assume everyone else must feel like: content with what life is.

it's hard living alone and being by myself. it's hard thinking i'm almost 30 making the same mistakes i would have made when i was 17. i got my first giant paycheck and you know what i bought? a chinese strawberry ice cream from the deli across the street.

i'm twentysomething years old and while people my age are starting families and paying on down payments for houses, i'm buying chinese ice cream. i feel behind just typing that sentence out.

i don't know what life is truly supposed to be like and every time i think about it, my body decides it's time to sleep and i immediately forget about everything for 8 hours. my dreams feel like such an escape from the mundane terror of this new world i built for myself. i get to be in a place i've always wanted to be just for a split second, away from this new optimized life i've been told to love.

each day feels like life is loudly ticking down and i can't get it to stop. the idea that i'm wasting this age is something i can never stop thinking about. do i pick up a new hobby even if i don't like it? should i start going to a running club despite the fact i'll hate it? maybe try tinder despite the fact i don't know if i truly want to go on dates?

i feel like i'm at the point of life where everything just immediately falls into place like everyone i see around me. everyone has their backs straight, their checkbooks aligned, and shirts pressed at this age while i keep my clothes in a pile in the corner. i think constantly about the theory that the brain finally matures at 25 and i wonder if that finally happened to me or if it ever will. my brain just feels forever stuck in a windows update spinner and i just sit here and wait until it's caught up.

i think about 18 year old me all of the time and what he'd do in my situation and i don't think he'd do much different. he'd be just as scared and wanting to hide in his room. he'd take away his pain of thinking about the world and this life by eating mcdonald's and texting a close friend. he'd do everything he can to pretend like this is the life he wanted because this is the life he was told to want. the optimized one. the one that's the future he's told he's always wanted.

however now i'm twentysomething and my boss congratulated me for my new promotion and said "you've really excelled in your career so fast, it's amazing to see". i'm on my way to mcdonald's and i'm going to check stubhub for the next concert. i'll stroll by the deli looking at the strawberry ice cream but i worry about how it'll mess with my oura ring metrics. i'll skip it.