rollercoaster

a lot of the times i catch myself apologizing for things in my head. today, i apologize for the doctor's assistant for not being able to look her in the eyes and accidentally tearing the paper seat cover. i apologize to the doctor for not fully understanding the price of the treatments he was telling me about and i also apologize for being a bit too quiet speaking for the barista. (i also apologize for thinking i'd be cool for saying "i'll take a vanilla bean" instead of "i'll take a vanilla bean frappe". i just sounded like a fucking idiot)

lately i keep apologizing in my head to many people and it all centers around one thing: the way that i am. i remember my psychiatrist sitting me down in his office and point blank said "you're bipolar." and waving his hands up and down like a rollercoaster saying "this is what you'll always be like. sometimes you'll be wayyy high up on the rollercoaster. some days you'll be wayyyy down on the rollercoaster. hopefully medication can make you more....centered on the rollercoaster"

i appreciated his honesty since at the time, being 19 and diagnosed with something for the first time is well, terrifying. you don't really get diagnosed with things often until you're much much older (my current age) and i just remember the look in his eyes telling me "it's not going to be easy for the people who love and know you."

as i've gotten older, i've realized how right he was and how weird it feels to be able to understand this from the outside. somehow you're able to understand the way you're hurting people, confusing them, and being unable to stop yourself. somehow you understand it but have no idea what else is correct.

some days i wish i can just apologize to you profusely about how i am. i can see the anger and frustration you attempt to hide when you speak to me - it's in the way your chest expands as you work on letting out a large sigh while speaking with me. it's the way i can see your brain pause as your mind going through a maze trying to find the right words that won't make me upset.

i would be lying if i said i didn't spend a majority of the time with you trying to understand what it's like to know me. everyone around me seems so easy and standardized, like out of a hallmark movie or well-written book in comparison to me. i feel like a recurring anomaly or a character you wish got written off (sorry ross).

through your eyes dealing with my emotions and trying to understand me must feel like a puzzle that's always missing a piece. it must feel near impossible to figure me out and it must feel like you're always so close to getting it. you could be jumping up and down in excitement finally understanding all of me, proud of yourself. or you can simply give up.